The Hero Construction Company

Stronger – Megan Landry

matt — Sun, 18 Mar 2012 20:55:02 +0000

Megan Landry just emailed me to let you guys know about her song, “Stronger”. She’s 15 years old and wrote the song about her experience with bullying.

Let’s Build Pro-Hero Schools Instead of Anti-Bully Schools

matt — Sat, 28 Jan 2012 01:47:43 +0000

It is very easy to find the term anti-bully these days. Look in any school and there’s a good chance you’ll see it on the walls. Look in the news and you’ll see governments (state, local, school) using it. It’s a term that has started making me cringe. For four quite different reasons.

The first problem comes with the definition of the word bully and its extension, bullying. I could poll everyone in the audience for a definition and get a different answer from each of you. In fact, I did that at a middle school last year. I gave students three minutes to write down everything they thought was covered by the term bullying. They came up with 89 different, distinct answers. This is a problem because it affects communication.

If every student in your school pledges to refrain from bullying, each of them is pledging according to their definition. This means Jim can cross his heart and vow to never bully, then turn around and go back to calling Rodney a fag for the seventeenth time that day without breaking his promise. Jim doesn’t think that’s bullying – he thinks bullying is beating someone up.

Since the term has become a buzzword, it has become a lazy way to get attention or to describe a negative action. It is not an exaggeration to say school administrators are having to explain that giving someone a nasty look is not bullying. Calling someone a name is not bullying, but calling them a name every day for three months is. As one assistant principal said to me recently, there is a difference between being a jerk and being a bully. With the broadening of the definition of bullying, the idea of zero-tolerance towards bullying is farcical at best.

The final definition problem is that kids simply don’t use the term when they speak to each other. When it’s just a word adults use, it has a large credibility problem.

We can work to fix many aspects of this problem by being more specific when describing undesirable behaviours. Instead of saying bullying, say fighting, teasing, name-calling, humiliating. You’ll notice a difference.

The second problem with creating anti-bullying schools is that most adults don’t understand the problem. The 1980s were a golden age for high school movies. One of the features of those movies, apart from Molly Ringwald, was the bully character. We had Biff in “Back to the Future”, Daniel’s foes in the “Karate Kid”, the bad guys in “Revenge of the Nerds”, and James Spader in basically everything. These movies presented us with a big bad bully – someone who picked on the little, unpopular kids. That image has stuck with us, as a society.

The problem with that image is that it’s not real. I know, you’re shocked that something in a Hollywood movie isn’t real. Last year a study that was publicized in the New York Times showed that most of the bullying is happening between kids that are close to each other in the ever-changing pecking order. They are mean and aggressive in order to propel themselves up the ladder of cool. Name-calling, rumours, exclusion, humiliation, and old-fashioned violence are tools used to advance one’s status at the expense of another. This is why so many kids hate their best friends.

The silver lining of that study showed that the top 2% on the cool scale were not bullying. They’d reached the pinnacle and didn’t need to fight any more. If we can harness the potential power of these kids, we could influence a student body in ways we can only dream of.

One thing missing from 80s movies was the internet. The internet plays an enormous part in the lives of our children. Understandably, it is also involved in a lot of the social jockeying. I imagine all of you think you have a pretty good idea of what cyber-bullying is; what it looks like. I also imagine you’d be shocked if you actually saw it in action. It is violent and disgusting and relentless. It is soul crushing. While we’re stuck in our 80s movies world, we also reference our own bullying experiences and say, “I know it’s tough, but you’ll get through it.” When your kid tells you you have no idea what they’re going through, you can believe them on this one. We need to realize that the potential for meanness has increased a million times since we were kids.

The third problem I see with anti-bullying measures is the power of labeling. When you call someone a bully, you are labeling them. You’re putting them in a pile with other bullies. This gets tough when kids refuse to play with bullies. When they walk the halls and see signs saying No Bullies, or No Bully Zone, they see they don’t belong. Bullies become outcasts.

When you consider that much of the behaviour that falls under bullying can come from a lack of social skills, you can see that this is a sinkhole. Those problems interacting with others are made more difficult by the label, so the behaviours that got them there come out again. And repeat.

Bully is a sticky label at school. Students remember it. Parents remember it. Teachers remember it. All of those people talk. Once that label has been stuck on your forehead, it’s tough to get it off. Students go home and are told to keep away from the bully by their parents. They’re told not to invite them to birthday parties. Teachers pass the information along to the next grade level team. “Watch out for Rachel, she’s a bully.” Imagine the fate of the kindergarten kid who is having trouble learning how to interact with others in January and is labeled a bully. That kid has to live with that, or do an amazing repair job, all the way through high school.’

The final problem I see is that promoting an anti-bully policy is focusing on a negative. I’d prefer to stand for something positive than stand against something negative. I don’t think that’s an uncommon feeling. So, what’s my solution? I’m glad you asked.

I worked at a YMCA camp for twelve years. It was a great testing ground for theories on working with kids. When I was working directly with kids I was told it was a good idea to make rules the first night. These rules all tended to start with the word “don’t”. Don’t run. Don’t throw sticks. You know the drill. The problem with those sorts of rules is that they’re easy to exploit.

“Jim, remember our rule – don’t throw rocks.”
“This isn’t a rock, it’s a pebble.”
“Okay, we need to add a rule when we get back to the cabin.”

So we add some rules. Don’t throw stones, don’t throw sticks, don’t throw pebbles, don’t throw chipmunks. Every day there’s something new to not throw.

When I got into a director position, I decided to change things around. I created some new camp rules. The first was, “Leave it on the ground.” That took care of all projectiles right there. There were also:

“Love your feet” – instead of Don’t go barefoot.
“Let the wild things be wild” – instead of don’t pick up the snake, chipmunk, snapping turtle…
“Keep track of your counselor” – because they might get lost… instead of don’t leave your counselor.
“Avoid large trucks”. – we were building a new dining hall.

The change in atmosphere at camp was palpable. Kids paid attention when we explained the rules because they weren’t like all of the other rules they were used to. Counselors and campers both understood the rules and why they were in place. It was easy to refer to the rules.

Focusing on the positive can also bring more people into the conversation. At one school there was a large poster with the number of office referrals on it as a motivation to reduce that number. Some kids took it as a challenge to increase the number. However, by flipping it, and showing the percentage of students who had not received a referral, hundreds of kids were recognized and appreciated.

Too often we tell kids what not to do, but forget to tell them what to do. If we build a positive environment with ample examples of positive behaviours, we can change the formula.

My thinking is that building a pro-hero school is greater than building an anti-bully school.

As definition was my first concern with bullying, I owe you a definition for the word hero. A hero is someone who takes action for the good of others despite a risk or sacrifice. That is, when a hero sees something they know to be wrong, they do something about it. There are ample opportunities for heroism in schools.

The number one reason negative behaviours happen in school is that the student body allows it. The default response when one sees something happening that is wrong is to do nothing – to be a bystander. The opposite of a hero is not a villain, it’s a bystander. The goal of my work and others like me is to turn bystanders into heroes.

With a school of heroes administrators won’t have to worry about eliminating problems one by one with tailor made programs that focus on the negative. A school with a large population of heroes won’t have bullying. It won’t have vandalism. It won’t have drug issues. It will have learning. It will have long-lasting relationships. It will have smiles.

October is Anti-Bullying Month (Can We Get it Right?)

matt — Tue, 04 Oct 2011 22:17:26 +0000

It’s Bullying Month in the U.S. – probably Anti-bullying, but you get the point. That means a lot of well-intentioned people will be saying really unhelpful things to kids across the country. Some will be telling the bullied kids to toughen up. Some will be punishing the perpetrators. Some will be presenting assemblies to improve morale. These practices are unfortunately contributing to the problem.

The way to stop bullying in your school is to promote a positive culture where every member (students, teachers, administrators, and support staff) cares for the well-being of those around them and is supported to do so.

This means promoting all varieties of positive behaviour. It means giving kids the tools to break through the bystander barrier when they see something wrong.

Focusing on the negative and labeling people as victims and bullies, not surprisingly, has an overall negative effect. How can someone labeled as a bully improve their behaviour when they’re stuck with that label in the eyes of their classmates, teachers, and other students’ parents?

I have saved a few articles from the last month or so to back up my claims and concerns. Please read them and, by all means, email me if you disagree. I’d love to have a conversation about this topic, as the teen suicides don’t appear to be slowing down.

1. Conversation is actually the first piece of the puzzle. Changing the culture must come through conversation – not lecture or presentation. Conversation allows everyone to feel part of the whole. It gives us the ability to understand definitions – to have a shared vocabulary. Read this article for more information.

2. Definition is another problem. The word “bully” means different things to different people. In fact, it is barely used by students at all. It should be easy to see the problem there. If I don’t consider name-calling to be bullying, I can honestly join in your campaign to reduce bullying in the school without a hint of irony. Check this article for concerns over word-usage.

3. Using the word bully is choosing to use a label. Labels are incredibly powerful, psychologically – just ask people in marketing or propaganda. In using labeling words in our schools, we are stepping into downward spiral that makes it very hard to escape from. This article touches the surface of the problem with labeling.

4. Finally, the goal needs to be happier (and safer) schools, not bully-free zones. Targeting bullying is a narrow goal. A happy school doesn’t have bullies. We need to address the broad goal of culture and that means bringing everyone to the table for conversations. Here are two articles addressing non-traditional efforts to reduce negative behaviour. One. Two.

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Gay Teen Bullying Collects Another Suicide

matt — Wed, 21 Sep 2011 00:34:13 +0000

It is simply heartbreaking to watch Jamey Rodemeyer, a 14-year old from Buffalo, use a video to share his message of strength to other gay teens. This video was recorded five months ago and now Jamey is dead, unable to take his own advice in the face of relentless abuse from classmates.

“JAMIE IS STUPID, GAY, FAT ANND UGLY. HE MUST DIE!”

I wouldn’t care if you died. No one would. So just do it. It would make everyone WAY more happier!”

Those are just a few of the statements made online to Jamey. Imagine what was said to him in person as he walked the halls or sat in class. It’s probably not hard to imagine because many readers would have heard that sort of thing.

This is a massive problem. It saddens me to think that people who abuse animals are treated with more disdain than those who abuse teens who are minding their own business.

It is time for bystanders to do something. Anything.

Jamey needed a hero. There’s a kid in your school who needs a hero. Do something before you don’t have the option any more.

Link: Dangerous Minds

When Celebrities Become Heroes

matt — Mon, 12 Sep 2011 13:19:40 +0000

I spend a few minutes at the start of every presentation making sure everyone in the room is on the same page about heroes vs celebrities. Being famous doesn’t make you a hero. There needs to be something else.

It’s clear though, that there are famous people who do heroic things. I’m not talking about people who became famous for their heroism, but people who are famous for other things.

In the last few weeks, I’ve read numerous stories of famous actors choosing heroism over being a bystander.

Kate Winslet carried Richard Branson’s mother out of a burning building. Link
Ryan Gosling stepped into a fight on the street to break it up. Link
Brad Pitt stopped to help an extra get to her feet when she fell during a stampede scene. Link
Ten years ago today, Steve Buscemi turned up to his old firehouse and volunteered to help after 9/11. Link

Steve Buscemi on September 12, 2001

Each one of these actors chose to do something good instead of choosing to do nothing – the choice of so many others. These actions are great examples if you’re a teacher wanting to discuss with your students the difference between action and inaction.

I would also add the thought that these actions are not surprising because the people were actors. In their jobs of imagining themselves in heroic roles and spending months in those roles, the actors developed their heroic imagination. By practicing heroism, they were ready when heroism was required.

That’s what I teach and that’s how I live.

Nolan Harrison III Talks About Heroes at TEDxBloomington

matt — Sat, 02 Jul 2011 17:13:16 +0000

I saw this speech live in May. You’re going to love it.

Russell Brand on Fame and Aspirations

Crossing the Threshold

The character traits it took me to do this is positive attitude, kindness, hard work, and courage.

The Path of Trials

The challenges were people saying, “you’re mean” and saying, “I am telling on you” and also saying, “shut up – you don’t know what you’re talking about”.

The Master of Both Worlds

I have changed my school by standing up for people and saying, “stop, that is not right”.

Viral Bullying Video

matt — Tue, 15 Mar 2011 19:06:35 +0000

You may have seen this video earlier this week – your students probably have. It contains a couple of quite violent acts committed by two kids at an Australian high school. Essentially a young bully is violently stopped by the boy he is tormenting. Obviously I don’t condone violence as an answer and I make sure to squash that idea any time it’s brought up in a classroom. However, I thought there were a few points worth noting.

The big kid doesn’t immediately retaliate to a punch in the face and refuses to attack while the bully is on the ground – he just walks away.
The bystanders don’t seem to know what to do initially.
The girl who steps in to de-escalate at the end perhaps stopped a lot more violence.
A video camera could be a powerful tool against bullying as well as encouraging it.

What do you think?

Stand Up To Bullying

matt — Mon, 07 Mar 2011 03:54:51 +0000

One day a student stands up to eat lunch in the cafeteria. While everyone else is sitting down to devour their pizza or fried cheese stick thing, this girl stands. Someone at her table says, “Why are you standing?” She answers, “I’m standing up to bullying. I’m sick of it, so I’m going to stand up until it stops.” She gets laughed at and everyone else goes about the business of devouring their food so they can properly socialize.

The next day, she’s standing again. And the next day. On the third day, another student comes over to stand next to her. A couple more at her table follow suit. After a week, there are a hundred students standing to eat their lunch. The message cannot be ignored. Bullying needs to stop.

It just takes one.

How could you make this happen without being obvious? Remember the 2% from this post?